I can't watch pbs sober anymore
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
