Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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