Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
