somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
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