Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
