Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
