She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
