We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
