Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
