Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
