Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
