PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
