and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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