It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
