I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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