That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
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Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
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Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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