You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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