So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
