Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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