no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
