Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
My cat gives me a boner
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
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