and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
