I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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