Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
