does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
