No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
