sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
