I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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