I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
