i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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