i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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