my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
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I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
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I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize