she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
