i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
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