I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
