Don't make out with my wife yet
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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