There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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