I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
