your parents love me but you hate me
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
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