I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
