My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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