Can Purell be used as lube?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
It's no shave November. This is our time.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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