Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Be still, my beating vagina.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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