I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
