I'm drive I can fine osifer
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
