You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
