So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
