Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
