yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
