New low: just hacked my moms facebook
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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