So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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