Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
