I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
