i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
