I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Randomize
