1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
