Need sex. Gaining weight.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
