I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
