Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
