$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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